Who Will I Be?

I think for a person so intent on making a great future for herself, I tend to dwell on the past. A lot.

I can’t believe that I’m already 20 years old. I remember when I was young being super shy and not being able to talk to anyone without stuttering or looking them in the eye. Now, I’m just a little bit socially awkward and you can barely tell. Most people peg me as the “quiet Asian girl” until they get to know me better then the label turns into “crazy Asian girl”. LOL.

It’s still interesting though. I’ve learned a lot in these past twenty years. Not only about myself but the people around me. The world and how society works. I still have a lot more to digest but I can definitely say I’m probably much more knowledgeable than I was at let’s say, age 3.

And I think that’s one of my problems. I don’t give myself enough credit. I constantly put myself down mentally. I always attribute my lack of opportunities as something bad. I see the way I was raised as being a disadvantage for me. I see all the past circumstances have worked against me becoming the best possible person I could be today.

I remember certain memories that always depict me as the submissive child who couldn’t do anything. I can’t tell you how angry I get when I remember the silent girl who didn’t know how to act in social situations. I’m starting to wonder if I actually had some sort of condition but it wasn’t as severe so nobody thought it was too odd.

I have to be proud of myself. I have been through a lot. As the oldest child, I’ve probably gone through a hell lot more than most kids my age or in my situation. That’s fine. I’m a better person for it anyway.

This is me. I can’t keep hiding. I can’t keep thinking the world is against me. I need to see this as way to push myself beyond my limits.

Almost done with this semester. And when I’m done, winter break is going to be one hell of a start for the new year.

I guarantee it. 🙂

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