I hate my name. Quick random not-so-personal information.
Real first name is Cassie. Neither of my parents named because at the time of my birth their English was virtually non-existent. So my “white” aunt gave me the name “Casey”. But my mom didn’t like the way it looked visually so she decided to add “-sie” instead to make it more feminine. She didn’t realize that changing the spelling would also alter the way it would be pronounced.
I remember all through out elementary school the funny game where everyone could yell at the teacher for saying my name wrong. “It’s not CASSIE (kass-ee)! It’s CASSIE (kay-see)!” I’ve been told countless times by adults that I am pronouncing my name wrong OR I’m spelling my name wrong. I usually smile and quickly explain my mom’s blunder other times I just want to punch them in the face and scream, “NO FUCKING SHIT WAY. I HAD NO IDEA THAT’S HOW YOU SPELL/PRONOUNCE MY NAME.” But I fight temptation very well.
Then there’s the whole awkward moment when you have to correct people constantly. Because people remember what your name looks like but not how it’s pronounced. I always hated telling teachers or other figures of authority that they were saying my name wrong. Sometimes I would just never correct them because I was too fed up with explaining the same story over and over again.
I mean. On the bright side? I knew who my real friends were. The ones who actually took the time to remember how to pronounce my name were my friends. The ones who made an effort to actually remember how to say it.
But there were very few out there.
Maybe that’s why I have an obsession with names. I probably have had over 100 different email accounts and usernames because I ended up getting too tired of the old one or didn’t think it fit me. It just never felt right to me.
But I’m sure I used excuses. To stop myself from actually creating content. To stop myself from actually doing something and contributing to society. I got stuck on the name that I never realized that’s only a part of who I am. What I have to offer to the world is also another part of me.
I’m determined to change my name. I don’t give a shit about how complicated or long the process is. I need to get this done. I’m not even actually changing my name. Just the way it’s spelled. So that I can make it easier for others to remember me.
That and seeing the word “ass” in my name just bugs the shit out of me.